I’m very private when it comes to my love life, so it may be a shock for most of you to hear that up until early January of 2017, I decided it was best for me to end a long distance relationship of a year and a half. If you know the details, I’m sure you were shocked. One because of how dedicated I was to this person and two considering it’d only be a few short months of being reunited.
As scary as it is for me that I’m about to publicly share this, I hope that it encourages others to continue to be strong and fearless when it comes to love.
I saw you for the first time two days ago since my last visit in December. You’re home and seeing you felt like the day we first met, only this time I can see right through you. I know that sounds confusing – for a while I thought what we had was a lie, but it was real. This was love smacking me in the face. Our karmic bind was the universe telling me it’s time wake up, we need you to heal, we need you to be the YOU you came at this time to be.
I’d been avoiding and dreading this moment. When all plans fell through and new ones weren’t given the time of day, I knew it was time for me to close this chapter of my life. So I called and we agreed to meet up. You handed me all the pictures I wanted you to throw away. You ask if we can be friends, the heartless thing someone so closed off would do. You’re a poet, very good with your words. I can’t tell you guys how many letters I cried reading to.
No one could ever make me feel the way that you did – the way that I still feel. You were my knight in shining armor. You were the one that I had great respect for because you were never afraid to call me on my shit. You were a friend to me. You guided me here and there. You made me feel like I was the only girl that could make you become a better man.
You are good at telling us all what we want to hear.
So, we are talking and I’m crying – something I haven’t done since the last time we argued. And I’m crying and I can’t help but think about how emotionally tied I still am to you, how much love I still have in my heart for you and you turn into the man I want you to be. You wipe the tears from my face, you kiss me on my fore head, say you’re sorry a million times and you comfort me. You tell me to stop crying, it’s something you don’t like to see. I tell you to get off as I remember all the negative things you’ve allowed me to feel. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to be used and emotionally abused. I don’t deserve that, not after everything I did for you.
I tell you I have to go and we part ways. I pull in the driveway and all I can do is sit and think about how much I still love you. I’m not angry anymore. I’m happy.
I was so scared to look you in the eyes, but I was bold and I was brave and it felt powerful to face my deepest fear.
Peacefully, I texted you and did exactly what you wanted me to do. I told you how much I hate that I love you as much as I still do. You ask if I want to see you again, so I tell you come over, to hurry and twenty minutes later you were in my driveway.
I gave you a tour of my home, the place you’d only seen the outside of three, maybe four times. We sit and we stare, share a few words here and there. As usual, I’m crying. But this time I recognize that I’m crying so much because all this time I’d been wearing rose colored glasses. That I hadn’t fallen in love with the man that you are, that I had fallen in love with the man that I wanted you to be. I fell in love with your physical attributes, I fell in love with your words, I fell in love with your potential.
I start to play fight you. Doing everything I wanted to be a real sock in the jaw here and a real upper cut there. We fall on my bed next each other and I start to play with your ear. I ask why you’re so quiet and you tell me you don’t know. I ask again and you say it’s because I make you so angry, but after all this time I still give you butterflies. I tell you I feel the same way. That I hate it and I love it. You tell me if I don’t stop playing with your ear that I’d start something. I say, “And if I do?”
With each stroke I’m crying harder and harder. Goodness gracious, I’d never felt something so intense. We look each other in the eyes and I can feel our fire dying. I had waited so long, over a year to experience this moment. As connected as we are, I still feel very disconnected – a million thoughts are running through my brain.
I walk you out. You have to head to dinner with your cousins – which I now know wasn’t true – you tell me you’ll call tonight and I say, “Okay, don’t forget,” knowing damn well you won’t.
All can do is sit in silence at what just happened, considering all we’d put each other through the past four months of being broken up. I feel sorry for the woman you followed to meet.
The weight feels lighter though and here in this moment, I am truly ready to let go.