A few years ago, the person sitting in front of this screen, writing words to brace for the moments of rapid fire life changes, was crying uncontrollably at the prospect of not accomplishing goals assigned by a lifetime of necessity and circumstance. Reminiscing on those times, allowing the soul to laugh, deeply, deriving immeasurable pleasure from the fantastic scale of naiveté. Dreading the minutest change, defined by social accessibility and need, perhaps these were the superficial moments, empty of any true motifs worth expanding upon.
It was the only way I knew how to live but to die with some kind of traction. Built on a lifetime of self perceived let-downs and endeavors, life’s explanations weren’t meant to be explored. Droning along the river of existence, bumping into the shores of legitimate career opportunities. Knowing full well the things wanting to be changed would fulfill the necessities of moments, outside of a lifetime’s reach. Maddening perpetuated in noise constantly dialed into subconscious, the silent agreements.
How I live now is based on day to day salutations of the life there once was. Through the trials of abdominal black holes, unseen spinal protrusions and uncontrollable addiction to sensory deception, the body and mind have been forced to slow down. Slow down so much so to be unrecognizable to a mind burdened by preconceived notions about who the person perceived, is supposed to be. Breathing slowly with the active moments, in the parts of the body creaking into consciousness.
Attaining daily meditation and paying attention to the force of air on morning commutes, as the train arrives in a gale force, reminding the soul that the adventure is still there, and this moments honor needs respect too.
How I live now,is a mystery to the person that came before. The notions of realistically attainable abilities no longer are overridden by the ever-present need to feel burnt out, to derive accomplishment from self destruction and sacrifice.
I choose to live, even with the mistakes.
How I live now: I choose to live even with the mistakes, the ones made constantly for they teach the wisdom of immunity. To listen to those around me for the cracks in hoping to help and love. To be available for the love to enter the soul once again, having so long sought to shield this life, for fear of returning to a place of vulnerability.
How I live now, amongst the infinite unknowns of everyday, warms the feet on a cold days. No longer forgoing that feeling that tells me to “go” from those places that aren’t working but fit the description of normal. The warring factions of who I am and what I do don’t hold me accountable for the time lost on figuring out ideal rights and wrongs.
How I live now isn’t something to brag about, but its impossible to not want to share.
‘Cause how I live now teaches the me everyday that the feeling of cliche when putting a smile on any face, is enough, and so might I be.